I'm going through for another clean-up, and getting the text a bit more flavorful.
For example, the current description for the Fighter:
The fighter is a master of battle. Also known as warriors, soldiers, knights, barbarians, and other names, fighters are able to use any weapon and any armor without restriction. Fighters are the only human character class that improves in fighting ability as they advance in level.
zzzzz...
New description:
Man’s history is one of slaughter. Every new era is defined by the cruelty man inflicts upon man, or the victory fighting against it. To those in power, soldiers are but tools to shape the populace to their whims. The price that is paid to enact their desires is irrelevant to those giving the orders.
In battle, man maims man. Horribly wounded men scream for mercy as their life’s blood pours out from cruelly hacked wounds. Their cries are ignored and their lives extinguished by those too cruel or frightened to listen. Poets and politicians speak of the honor of battle for a just cause, but in battle there is no honor and there is no justice. There is just death from metal implements that crush, slash, and stab.
To be willing to slaughter at another’s command in the name of peace and nobility, to be hardened to the deaths of loved companions, to be immersed in this worthlessness of life, that is the life of a soldier.
Fighters are these soldiers that have seen the cruelty of battle, have committed atrocities that in any just universe will damn them to Hell, and have survived.
Yeah.
For example, the current Aerial Servant spell description as replicated from Swords & Wizardry's open game content:
Aerial Servant
This spell summons a powerful creature from the elemental planes of air to fetch and return one thing (or creature) to the caster. Only a creature with a Strength of 18 can fight its way from the servant’s grasp, and even then the chance is not likely to be greater than 50%. The servant can carry up to 500 pounds in weight. An aerial servant has the following attributes: HD 16, AC as plate, 1 attack for 4d4 damage, Move 240’. If the servant is frustrated in its efforts to bring the desired object to the caster, it will become insane, returning and attacking him.
Not exactly zzz, but simply a dry explanation of something that should be more than that for a game looking for a specific flavor.
Adjusted:
Aerial Servant
This spell summons an extra-dimensional force that manifests as an entity which appears as a grotesque reflection of the caster’s id. The caster then announces what he desires most in the world, and the creature will go forth and retrieve it. The object of desire may be a living thing.
The caster must make a saving throw versus magic (WIS modifiers apply). If successful, the entity will retrieve the announced desire. If the save is failed, the Referee must make a judgment call and decide what the caster really wants most, in general and not at the particular time of casting, and the creature will attempt to retrieve that instead.
The creature can fly and is invisible to all but the caster. Objects will be automatically seized unless defended by extraordinary means. Only a creature with a Strength of 18 can avoid being collected by the creature, and even then the chance is not likely to be greater than 50%. The entity can carry up to 500 pounds in weight. If combat occurs, the thing summoned by this spell has the following stats: HD 16, AC as plate, 1 attack for 4d4 damage, Move 240’, ML 7. If the servant creature is frustrated in its efforts to bring the desired object to the caster, it will become insane, returning and attacking him.
For example, the current description for the Fighter:
The fighter is a master of battle. Also known as warriors, soldiers, knights, barbarians, and other names, fighters are able to use any weapon and any armor without restriction. Fighters are the only human character class that improves in fighting ability as they advance in level.
zzzzz...
New description:
Man’s history is one of slaughter. Every new era is defined by the cruelty man inflicts upon man, or the victory fighting against it. To those in power, soldiers are but tools to shape the populace to their whims. The price that is paid to enact their desires is irrelevant to those giving the orders.
In battle, man maims man. Horribly wounded men scream for mercy as their life’s blood pours out from cruelly hacked wounds. Their cries are ignored and their lives extinguished by those too cruel or frightened to listen. Poets and politicians speak of the honor of battle for a just cause, but in battle there is no honor and there is no justice. There is just death from metal implements that crush, slash, and stab.
To be willing to slaughter at another’s command in the name of peace and nobility, to be hardened to the deaths of loved companions, to be immersed in this worthlessness of life, that is the life of a soldier.
Fighters are these soldiers that have seen the cruelty of battle, have committed atrocities that in any just universe will damn them to Hell, and have survived.
Yeah.
For example, the current Aerial Servant spell description as replicated from Swords & Wizardry's open game content:
Aerial Servant
This spell summons a powerful creature from the elemental planes of air to fetch and return one thing (or creature) to the caster. Only a creature with a Strength of 18 can fight its way from the servant’s grasp, and even then the chance is not likely to be greater than 50%. The servant can carry up to 500 pounds in weight. An aerial servant has the following attributes: HD 16, AC as plate, 1 attack for 4d4 damage, Move 240’. If the servant is frustrated in its efforts to bring the desired object to the caster, it will become insane, returning and attacking him.
Not exactly zzz, but simply a dry explanation of something that should be more than that for a game looking for a specific flavor.
Adjusted:
Aerial Servant
This spell summons an extra-dimensional force that manifests as an entity which appears as a grotesque reflection of the caster’s id. The caster then announces what he desires most in the world, and the creature will go forth and retrieve it. The object of desire may be a living thing.
The caster must make a saving throw versus magic (WIS modifiers apply). If successful, the entity will retrieve the announced desire. If the save is failed, the Referee must make a judgment call and decide what the caster really wants most, in general and not at the particular time of casting, and the creature will attempt to retrieve that instead.
The creature can fly and is invisible to all but the caster. Objects will be automatically seized unless defended by extraordinary means. Only a creature with a Strength of 18 can avoid being collected by the creature, and even then the chance is not likely to be greater than 50%. The entity can carry up to 500 pounds in weight. If combat occurs, the thing summoned by this spell has the following stats: HD 16, AC as plate, 1 attack for 4d4 damage, Move 240’, ML 7. If the servant creature is frustrated in its efforts to bring the desired object to the caster, it will become insane, returning and attacking him.
Now you're cooking with gas!
ReplyDeleteThat's much better, it gives much more sense of tone for game world. Generic Fantasy -> LotFP Fantasy.
ReplyDeleteWatch out that the rules aspects (can use all armors and weapons) of the fighter don't disapear. You should make sure it still appears somewhere.
ReplyDeleteAlso the rule "even then the chance is not likely to be greater than 50%" may need some clarification. Either it is 50%, or it's not.
But it is indeed much better than the original versions.
Damn...
ReplyDeleteYeah, very, very nice. Two thumbs up and a sorta-tentacley thing making an analogous motion. ;)
Simply awesome.
ReplyDeleteMaking an aerial servant sound cool is a remarkable feat in itself. Can't wait to see more.
"Man’s history is one of slaughter."
ReplyDeleteIck.
Re-word it and use an active verb. Or ditch it.
It reminds of the start of every trite college writing paper I ever read.
"Since the dawn of time, blah-blah-blah."
Just ick.
The_Myth has a point: use active verbs. Beyond that you beat most iterations of the game and remind me of something Ron Edwards praised in the first fantasy heartbreaker article:
ReplyDeleteFantasy Heartbreakers are always recognizable in terms of "voice" - if someone were to pick a random couple of paragraphs from, say, Undiscovered, Forge: Out of Chaos, Demon's Lair, and Dawnfire, I could instantly see which game it came from. I like this, actually. I think it speaks well for the hobby in comparison with the bevy of high-gloss attempts, in the mid-90s, to see who could present a game with prose that imitates Vampire the closest.
I had never thought of the OSR in terms of that quote before I read this, but you know what. Your version shouldn't read like anyone else's and theirs shouldn't read like each other's either.
You've captured something of value the OSR can provide to the whole hobby, the return of the individual voice. It's as much a part of the DIY ethic as anything else and needs to be encouraged.
I think you're definitely on the right track. People buying this want it for the Raggi, not the rules.
ReplyDeleteFighters are these soldiers that have seen the cruelty of battle, have committed atrocities that in any just universe will damn them to Hell, and have survived.
ReplyDeleteUm... this passage makes me feel bad about playing a fighter. Can't you just talk about how much ass I kick or like, how I totally pwn goblins with my DPS?
;P
James M "Making an aerial servant sound cool is a remarkable feat in itself. Can't wait to see more."
ReplyDeleteAhem, I heartily disagree...they were already damn cool ;)
Great prose old friend!
ReplyDeleteI think totally dismantling the notion of noble champion is intersting - when you have blood on your hands as Lady Macbeth found, it dowes not wash off so easily. Or Private Ryan for that matter, the tears still come years later for "good people".
In any case, the dark, Pseudo-Freudian, Hobbseyan view of brutality is pretty intriguing, even if I think it misses the mark that even we die hards like to suspend disbelief as we wade through columns of goblins with a two-hander